


Alone Together

by DavineNaughter



Series: The Together Series [1]
Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: AU, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Mental Connections, Talking with a stranger through some weird telepathic connection, Telepathy, This is my first fic and I really need to get better at tags...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-14 23:25:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4584117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DavineNaughter/pseuds/DavineNaughter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil's life is awful. Bullied, under appreciated, and friendless, he takes on life. One day there is a thought in his head that isn't his. He didn't think it. He soon discovers that it was someone else, and that person is alone too. Despite not knowing who the other is, or even if one of them just went crazy and is imagining a voice in his head, they decide to be alone together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alone Together

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! Whilst I've written fanfic and even phanfic in the past, this is the first one that anyone but two of my best friends have read. Adventure! Anyways, I'm on my phone, which doesn't have proper italics, so please bear with me. Anything in slashes is italicized, which is very important to this story... So example, the name Phil italicized is /Phil/. Great. Now that that's out of the way, I'm also just going to note that though he isn't there at the beginning, don't fret, Dan comes in after a few chapters. Oh yeah, and this is chaptered. Any and all feedback welcome. I hope you enjoy :)

Phil ran burst away from the bullies and ran home, tears streaming down his face. He sprinted up to his room before his mother could corner him to ask him about his day and before his brother could see him crying and make fun of him.

Why must it always be him?

Those idiots at school constantly tormented him for... Well, just everything about him. How he was gay. How they thought his hair was stupid and emo, just because it was black. How he wore really colorful clothes. How he was a nerd and a dork and a geek. How his t-shirts were nerdy and dorky and geeky. How he was him.

For as long as he could remember Phil had gotten verbally abused and teased at school. But it had been fine. It's not like ten year olds could do much damage, after all. But now he was seventeen. And he was a wimp. He was unfit and scrawny. And his "friend" had told the entire school he was gay, even though he promised to keep it a secret.

The saddest thing was, Phil didn't really have anyone else to turn to, so that person was still technically his best friend.

But after that incident, which happened about a month ago, people had gotten violent. The verbal abuse morphed into physical. They. Wouldn't. Leave. Him. Alone.

Phil picked up his pillow and screamed into it, frustrated. He was a good person. He always tried to be nice and friendly and helpful and approachable. Everyone else saw that as weakness.

The scream lasted a strong six seconds before turning back into sobs.

Phil was so alone.

He had just gotten a beating simply for being him.

/I'm worthless. Everybody hates me. I don't even deserve to live. I mean, if no one else thinks I do, then doesn't that mean I don't?/

Phil's sobbing ceased immediately. That was not his own thought. It couldn't have been. Sure, it fit, but Phil didn't think he was worthless. He wanted to live. The intrusion felt like a thought, but he knew he hadn't thought it, if that makes any sense. But it probably doesn't, seeing as the incident itself didn't seem to.

/I just want to die. No one likes me. I feel like shit all the time. They would probably be happy I was gone. I hate them. I don't deserve this. But maybe I do./

This monologue played in Phil's head as he just sat there with wide eyes. These were most definitely not his thoughts. His mind wasn't saying these things, or at least he wasn't.

/H-hello?/ Phil tried to respond. He felt a bit silly, because he was just thinking, after all. But that was the beauty. He didn't have to be embarrassed because it was just in his head. And the invasion of his personal space freaked him out.

/W-what? Is someone there?/

Phil's brain practically shut down. Oh god, the bullies must've hit his head without him realizing it. Oh god, he probably had a concussion. Phil was snapped back to...well, whatever he was snapped out of before when his brain froze when he heard the voice continue. Because yes, this was definitely a voice in his head.

/Oh course there isn't anyone there you idiot... It's your brain.../

Phil hastily replied, /no wait! I'm here!/

He was met with silence.

Silence.

He could hear his own breathing.

Minutes passed.

/Hello?/ Phil tried again.

Phil groaned at how stupid he was being.

/Of course no one's there.../ Phil thought. /Wow, they must've hit me on the head really hard. Or maybe they're just getting to me. Because I'm definitely going crazy. I actually tried talking to a voice in my head, like it was another person.../

But it had felt so foreign. So real.

/Who... Who the hell are you?/ The voice responded. /What's happening?/ The voice sounded nervous, and it comforted Phil to know that he wasn't the only one who was freaked out.

/I could ask you the same question. Because I have no idea. Seriously, I think I've gone mad./

/You? I think I'm the one who's gone mad. I mean, you are in /my/ head after all./

/Now hang on a minute. You're in my head./

/Huh. Are you... Are you a person?/

/Of course I'm a person. What sort of question is that?/

/I just mean... I'm a person. I've got a body. You think I'm in your head and I think I'm in yours. I think... I think we're both different people. So you're saying you aren't just in my head?/

Phil furrowed his brow. This was getting interesting. It unnerved him. He was anxious. But curious. Someone was talking to him. Maybe. And they weren't shouting. They weren't hitting him.

/Nah mate. You're saying /you/ aren't just in mine? Huh... That's a lot to take in, with what's happening with me.../

/Tell me about it./

Phil knew that was rhetorical. No one actually wanted to hear his problems. He shouldn't be so stupid. But something in him snapped. A dam broke.

/Could I? Tell you about it, I mean. I mean, I know we don't know each other, but... I just don't really have anyone to talk to, you know?/

There was a moment in which the voice didn't respond. Phil quickly sighed and quickly added another comment.

/Never mind, sorry, I was being stupid. You don't want to hear my shit. You don't even know me. We aren't friends. You're probably not even-/

/Yeah, I know./

/Huh?/

/I know. You asked if I knew what it was like. Not having anyone to talk to. I don't either. I know./

Phil's heart warmed. He hadn't related to someone in a while. No one had ever really heard him out before. He didn't even know who this was, and he felt closer to this person than anyone he knew in real life.

/You can tell me. I'll listen to your shit. On one condition./

/And what is that?/

/That you listen to mine./

Phil actually laughed. A genuine laugh. It felt so good. He hadn't laughed in a very long while. And there wasn't even anything funny. This voice just made him happy. Made him feel like maybe the entire world wasn't against him.

/Huh./ said the voice.

/What?/

/I just heard you laugh. I think. I heard /a/ laugh. It was odd. Did you laugh?/

/I did. That sounds a bit disorienting./

No response.

/Hello?/

Zilch.

Phil's face fell. He sighed. Of course it was too good to be true. No one wants to hear him whine. There isn't anyone who can just randomly communicate with him telepathically.

/Sorry./ Phil perked back up at the voice. /No, it's okay. You don't have to listen to me. You can talk./

/Huh? Where'd that come from? I will totally listen to you./

Pause. /Then why'd you laugh./

Phil laughed again. Phil just felt the voice raising its eyebrow, and became hyperaware that this voice had a body. It wasn't just a voice.

/Whoa. I just somehow, like, felt you raise your eyebrow or something. That was weird. And sorry about the laughing. I don't know. I guess... I guess I just haven't been able to laugh a lot lately. There's just been so much tension, and no way to get it out... And then all of the sudden there's someone who wants to listen. Someone who claims they're alone as well./

/I am alone./

/So am I./

/Well, why not be alone together?/

Phil smiled.

/I'd like that very much./


	2. Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's chapter two!  
> And I know that it isn't that impressive, but when I found out I got a kudos on my first work within a day it was posted, I was very excited! I'm probably going to look back on that in a while and laugh. Good. Laughing is good. Anyways, chapter 2!

So Phil told the voice what was wrong. How everything was wrong. How everyone hated him, how he was abused. How his parents didn't really notice him as much as they should(they tried, Phil was just scarily good at hiding that there was anything wrong in the first place, so his parents didn't think they were missing anything. He figured what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.) how his brother picked on him loads as well, always making him feel like he's less than he should be. Always making him feel like he isn't manly enough or not athletic enough or too clumsy. How he had no friends.

And the voice told Phil what was wrong with him.

The voice was also severely bullied. He was only a few years younger than Phil. His father had died of cancer when he was only a baby. His mother had been pregnant at the time. She had had to put up the baby for adoption-she couldn't afford it. She couldn't give it a good life. She was a loving mother, a good mother, but she couldn't provide much for him. It had been hard. She was around less and less as he got older and more independent, taking on more work and becoming slowly more tired. The voice also gave the outward appearance of an "emo" because he loved bands and black and was sad and tired. The kids at his school gave him a rough time for it, to grossly under exaggerate.

Phil felt like he finally had a friend. The voice and him were talking more and more frequently. Sometimes they would talk about things like classes and drawings and bands and they were both surprised at how much they had in common. Sometimes they would cry to each other and talk about what was wrong. Because something was nearly almost always wrong. But they would listen to the other and console them.

After two weeks, they were friends. It made Phil happy, knowing that he had someone to turn to. It was unfamiliar to him, but he definitely liked it. It made him feel all fuzzy inside. Sure, they didn't talk too often-they would have a real conversation once every couple of days, and sometimes thoughts slipped in unintentionally and they would exchange a few words-but Phil really loved talking to him.

Phil was in history class, half listening to the teacher drone on about some war while doodling in his notebook. Over the years he had perfected the art of doodling in such a way that it looked like he was taking notes.

A crumpled up piece of paper was tossed onto his desk, but when Phil looked up, whoever had thrown it had looked away.

Phil stuffed the piece of paper in his jacket pocket. He had once opened a hate note in class and gotten caught "passing notes." The teacher had read what was on the page and Phil had gotten a detention for bullying and passing notes. He didn't open the notes in class anymore.

After about ten minutes, the teacher from the classroom next door came in and asked for assistance with playing some video. The class was instructed to start the homework while that was sorted. Once the teacher had left the room, the class started talking amongst themselves, as classes do when left alone.

Phil pulled out the paper and smoothed it out on his desk. Over the page were a series of notes from what had to be at least ten different hand writings and writing utensils. How inclusive.

"Fag"  
"Go die"  
"Just kill yourself"  
"You gay piece of shit"  
"Fuck yourself"  
"You fucking faggot"  
"Faggot"  
"Die gay scum"  
"Stupid flamboyant emo shit"  
"Retard"  
"No more pity you fag"

As he read each note, each given by a different classmate, Phil fought the urge to cringe. Getting the same message over the years hadn't dulled the hurt. But it was the last note that made him do a double take, that made him want to cry. Phil recognized the handwriting as Ed, the person who outed him as gay to the school, and his only friend. His friend.

/Some friend,/ Phil thought to himself bitterly.

/Hm?/ thought the voice.

/Oh, sorry, didn't think I was talking to you./

/It's cool. What's up?/

/Someone threw a note on my desk with a bunch of insults. They got nearly the whole class to write a note./

/How inclusive of them./

Phil nearly smiled, but he realized he was still looking at the note and decided he didn't want to look even weirder. /That's what I thought./

/That sucks, I'm sorry./

/Eh, I'm kind of used to it. What is really bad is that the last note was from my only "friend." Looks like I'm even more alone now, if that's even possible./

/Sounds like a dick to me. If he would do that, you don't want him in your life. And besides.../

/What?/

/You've got me. Is it alright... Is it alright if I consider you a friend?/

Phil actually did smile just a bit. /Of course. I'd like that a lot. And you're right. I do have you./ Phil tore up the page and threw it in the recycling. /Hey, friend?/

/Yeah?/

/We don't know each others' names yet. I don't have anything to call you. Until now you've just been "the voice."/

Phil heard a laugh in response. He smiled, not giving a damn who saw anymore. He was zoned out and didn't even really remember where he was. And his friend's laugh was the most beautiful, precious sound Phil could dream of. Phil wondered if that's what his real laugh sounded like, or if it was only that way in his head. Did a person's laugh sound different in their head? Their voices did...

/I don't know, now I'm tempted to not tell you. "The voice" sounds a bit badass./

Phil laughed mentally. /Come on. Friends should probably know each other's names, shouldn't they?/

/It seems like how things should work, yeah. Remind me, how did the subject of "what's your name?" Not come up earlier?/

/Beats me. But seriously. What /is/ your name?/

Phil was met with silence. The halt in the conversation snapped him back to reality a bit. The teacher walked back into the classroom just as the bell for next period rang out. The teacher sighed and said, "Finish the essay by Friday!" to a group of kids that had largely already walked out of the door.

/Hello?/ Phil didn't want to just leave the conversation, but he had to get to art class soon. The one class he liked. Phil was good at art. He could draw well. And there was nothing like getting lost in the sketching with music blasting through his earbuds. He loved talking to his friend, but art class was off limits.

/Huh. That's weird. What's your name?/

Phil was caught a bit off guard by that response, but just went with it. /My name's Phil/ he thought, but something was off. He scrunched his nose. The words weren't going to the voice, no matter how hard he pushed them out of his head. He tried a few more times without success. /Huh. I can't say. Like, I want to, I'm trying to, but the message won't go to you. It's just my own thought./

/Same here. So what should we call each other?/

/Hm. How about... Oh I don't know. But I have to get to art class./

/Aw, come on, don't leave me hanging. First idea that comes to your head?/

/I don't know, friend. There. How about Friend?/ Phil said, mostly joking.

/I don't see why not, Friend./

Phil thought about that. Having the voice call him a friend felt good. The more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea. /Yeah, okay. Friend. Well, I gotta go. Talk to you later./

/Bye./


	3. And You're Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's another chapter! Hooray! Chapter 3! Excitement! There are going to be either 7 or 8 chapters overall, so... Yeah. That's a thing. Enjoy!

/Where do you live?/ Friend asked Phil one day.

/In Lancashire/ Phil thought to him. /How about you?/

/Berkshire./

/That's kind of far./

/Hey, I'm not complaining, one of us could've been in Canada and the other in Australia. At least we're both English./

Phil smiled, and felt the need to share that. /That's a happy way of looking at it. That makes me smile. You make me smile./ At that point they had been friends for about two months, and Phil had to admit he was getting a little crush on Friend. But it was silly, it would go away soon enough, for now it just made him smile.

/Funny how we can share our locations but not our names./

/Yeah. Maybe one day we'll meet./

/That would be terrific./

/It would be spectacular./

* * * * *

Phil wiped his brow as he put down the last box. He looked around the flat. Wow. Phil officially lived on his own now.

He had just moved to a flat in Manchester. He didn't live with his parents anymore. A few years ago he had decided to make a YouTube channel(which whatever connection he had with Friend wouldn't let him disclose the name of), and he had a sort of fan base forming. People sent him cool things in the mail, watched him, sent him nice letters, maybe a few even cared about him. They had even started drawing him naked. And, most recently, he had made a friend over the Internet. A guy called Dan had contacted him enough on YouTube and Twitter that they learned they had a ton in common, and had eventually upgraded to Skype. Now Dan was even considering going to university in Manchester. 

Over the past few years, Phil's life had gotten so much better. And Friend had been there through it all. He had been there from Phil's lowest point all the way through the upward trajectory.

Friend's life was getting better as well. His mom had gotten a steady job, and he was off to university soon, being a few years younger than Phil. They had been there for each other when they needed it most, and they both know very well that there was a chance neither of them would be made it without the other.

Phil's little "crush" he developed on Friend never really went away. He felt stronger about Friend than anyone he knew in real life, and he was constantly hoping against hope their communication would hold. Because neither of them knew what it was, how it got there, or why it was there. All they knew is that it was, and they were so glad that it was. But in reality they knew nothing about it.

Phil looked around the room full of boxes. Even with none of his possessions showing anywhere, he was hyper-aware of the fact that this flat was his. He was officially an independent adult now. The thought scared Phil, but overpowering the nerves was the overwhelming thrill of it. He never had to interact with any of those jerks from school again. He could make his own decisions. Phil Lester was a man now.

/It's a good thing my dad bought me that cordless hammer drill/ Phil mused to himself. It didn't happen nearly as frequently anymore that a thought would slip through to Friend unintentionally, or vice versa. With practice, they both got better at separating their connection from their thoughts.

/Well/ Phil thought, this time addressing Friend. /I've officially moved into my new flat./

/Wow! That's awesome! Any chance you can tell me where it is?/

Phil sighed. He had tried, but for some reason the connection censored out where that he was living in Manchester now. It also censored out where Friend was headed for university. Regardless, Phil tried his hardest to project the word /Manchester/ to Friend. After about thirty seconds of trying, Phil started to get a headache. He stopped.

/Sorry, I can't. Any chance you can tell me where you're headed?/

There was a pause. It lasted for five seconds. Ten. Twenty. Thirty. Fifty.

/Nope./

Phil smiled. /It seems you've got better endurance than me. It's been almost a minute. How has your head not burst?/

/Believe me, I've tried loads. Even when we aren't talking. Mostly with my name. I guess practice makes perfect./

/Well, obviously not. You still can't do it./

/Practice makes you better, then/ Friend corrected.

/Fair enough. I would practice, but I could do without the headaches./

/Fair enough. So, how do you like your flat?/

Phil looked around the room he was in. It was his bedroom now. Bigger than the one he had had at university. Smaller than the one at his parents house. Just right. His. Phil kept smiling.

/It's mine. I have a place. I'm on my own. I love it./

/I'm glad you love it./

/Me too. I wish I could tell you where it is though. I wish I could give you my address. I wish I could share this with you./

/I think you still are. I'm here. Whether or not you can see or touch me, I'm here. I'm always here for you./

/And I you. But don't you ever.../ Phil bit his lip in hesitation.

/Don't I ever what?/

/Do you ever just think you're crazy? That this is just in your head?/

/Well of course it's just in my head. That's where the thoughts are. That's what we hear. In each other's heads./

/You know what I mean! I mean... What if one of us is just imaging the other? Don't tell me you don't sometimes think it. I won't believe you./

He could hear Friend sigh. This was the first time Phil had ever brought this up, but it had been haunting him since their first interaction. He couldn't imagine that Friend felt differently.

/Friend, of course I have. How could I not? But it's sort of like religion. I have faith. I believe in you. You've been there for me, so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt./

/I am too. I believe in you, Friend. You haven't let me down./

/Yet/ Phil adds to himself. But he is able to catch it before he tells it to Friend.

/You are my best friend./

/And you're mine./


	4. It's You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo! The fabled chapter 4! So I seem to have fallen into the routine of posting every other day. That will last at least till chapter eight, probably. I don't know how many chapters there are going to be anymore. No more than ten, probably nine. Oh well, without further ado, I hereby present to you: Chapter 4!

/Come on/ Friend whined. /I never get to talk to you anymore./

/Just give me like two minutes to finish filming./

An exaggerated sigh from Friend. /Fine./

Friend had made him lose his train of thought, and he had to think about what he had been saying. /Ugh, this is going to be annoying to edit out/ Phil thought to himself.

"Phil?"

Phil's snapped out of his thoughts as Dan called him from his doorway. Phil was filming a video, and had been for about an hour. He was almost done, but he had taken a minute or two to tell Friend he couldn't talk right now.

"You okay?" Dan asked, eyebrows scrunched together in worry.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just lost in thought, I guess."

Part of Phil wanted to tell Dan about Friend. I mean, they were his two best friends, and one didn't even know about the other. It's not like they could meet, or talk, but having to hide one of the biggest parts of his life from another... Phil didn't like it.

It had been years since he met Friend. If you could call it meeting. It had also been years since he met Dan, but definitely less years. Friend had been there since he was seventeen and Dan since he was twenty two. He was twenty eight now.

Only a few weeks after he "met" Friend, Phil had developed a crush on him, and since then it's done nothing but grow. Lately it's been hard, with the book and the radio show, and Phil's had a lot on his plate with Dan by his side. But those special times when he got to talk to Friend, no matter how increasingly sporadic they were becoming, made him so happy. Despite not talking as much, and becoming better friends with Dan, Phil definitely had feelings for Friend. Sometimes he actually found it amusing how much everyone thought him and Dan were in love. The Phan shippers didn't even know how wrong they were...

"Okay," Dan said, still a bit suspicious. "You done with the camera then?"

"No, I've still got a couple minutes left to film."

"Alright. I'll just leave you to it then."

Dan backed away and walked towards the lounge, leaving Phil even farther from what on earth he had been talking about. Eventually he got back on track, but by the time he was announcing the day's Draw Phil Naked, Friend was back.

/Friend, you said two minutes. It's been nearly ten./

/Sorry, I got a bit distracted./

/That's okay. There's just... There's just something I want to tell you./

"Bye guys!" Phil said to the camera.

/Okay, I'm done now. What's up?/

/Well... Oh gosh, this is a bit embarrassing./

Phil smiled a bit at the fact that Friend thought things were embarrassing to tell him. Friend was just so sweet. Phil wouldn't judge him no matter what, and he found it so endearing and adorable how nervous he was. Phil just loved Friend. To Phil, everything about Friend was endearing and adorable.

/Take your time. You can tell me anything-I won't judge./ Phil felt Friend smile as well.

/I know. Okay, here goes. Well... I've fallen in love./

Phil forced a smile, even though it wasn't sincere. He was pretty sure Friend was straight-at least he hadn't said otherwise-and the thought of someone else having Friend... It made Phil sad. But a supportive friend he would be, so he smiled anyways.

/Hey, that's great! Whoever she is, she's the luckiest person I can name. I'm happy for you!/

/Well, that's just it. Friend... I'm jut gunna say it, cuz I know I won't be able to if I wait. Okay, so... The thing is... It isn't a she I've fallen in love with. It's-it's... It's a guy./

Phil felt his heart rate quicken to pace that was probably fairly unhealthy. He was violently flooded with the possibility that it could be him. It could. They were great friends, after all. They definitely loved each other, if not in that way, so why not in that way? Phil's thoughts were racing and spinning in his head all fighting to win a race that had no finish line.

/F-Friend?/ Friend asked tentatively. In that moment Phil realized that he hadn't responded. Friend had shared something he was so nervous about being judged on, and Phil couldn't even say anything. Phil felt a pang in his heart knowing he could have hurt Friend.

/I'm awful/ Phil thought to himself, only mostly sure Friend didn't hear. /Oh?/ Phil managed to reply lamely to Friend. /Is that so?/

/Ye-yes... I think it is. I... I am in love with a guy. I love a boy. I... I think... I think I'm bisexual, Friend.../

Phil could tell that this was really hard for Friend to say, and was so touched that he had told him. He felt so privileged to be so close with such a beautiful person. Phil didn't deserve him.

/I... I have something to tell you too Friend. I'm in love too. And yes, with a guy/ Phil added the last remark sarcastically, as Friend had known since the very beginning that Phil was gay.

/You don't say?/ Phil could sense a bit of sarcasm responding to his own, but also a bit of sincerity towards his serious remark.

/Y-yeah. Friend, I am in love. Wh-who are you in love with?/

/Well... My flatmate. He's just... He's so beautiful. He's so sweet, and caring, and just... Just perfect./

Phil swallowed. He nearly burst into tears. Of course it wasn't him. How had he been stupid enough to think it was him.

/What about you, Friend? Who've you gone and fallen in love with?/

/I'd rather not say.../ Phil started, but Friend was having none of it.

/Hang on now, I told you mine. What happened to we can tell each other anything? I don't want to push, but... Come on, Friend! I just told you-/

/It's you, Friend./

/Huh?/

Phil sighed, still very shaky. /Friend, I am completely in love with you./

No response.

Phil just sat there on his bed, dreading the response.

No response.

The anticipation was building, and Phil just wanted to get it over with.

After five minutes, still no response.

/Friend?/

/Just... How long... How long have you...?/ Friend didn't finish, like he couldn't dare say it. Like if he didn't say it then it wouldn't be real. Phil felt a tear slip down his cheek at the reaction.

/Well... I mean, I've liked you since just after we met, but when did I fall in love with you?/

/Yeah. When?/

/No, say it. I won't answer until you ask the question./

/Fine. Friend... How long have you been... When did you fall in love with me?/

/Probably a few years ago. I don't know. I didn't mark it on the calendar or anything./ Phil's attempt at lightening the mood obviously didn't work, as Friend sounded nearly angry now.

/You mean... You mean you've been in /love/ with me for years and you never told me. But then I tell you I'm in love with someone /else/ and you suddenly feel the need to say it?/

/Friend-/

/No, don't call me that./

Phil couldn't even see properly anymore, he was so invested in his mind. Yet he still felt himself start to sob, and only hoped he was being quiet. The last thing he wanted was for Dan to walk in. Phil considered that for a moment. He actually wouldn't mind the comfort. He didn't particularly want to explain the scenario, but he could definitely use a hug, another person.

/In fact, don't talk to me anymore./

/Fri-/

/DON'T!/ Friend shouted at Phil, and Phil felt himself cry even harder.

/I just.../ Friend continued. /Give me some time to think this over. I can't very well damn think with you in my head. So get out./

/Fri-/

/JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!/

Phil opened his eyes and found he had fallen back onto his pillow. He didn't care. Just before he came fully out of his head, he heard a whisper. /To think I wasted all those hours trying to tell you my name.../

Phil was pretty sure he wasn't meant to hear that.

Phil lay in his sorrows for what was either minutes or hours. He wasn't sure. He didn't care.

After an amount of time unbeknownst to Phil, he heard Dan approach down the hallway.

"Hey Phil, do you want Chinese-Phil? Oh my god Phil, what's wrong?"

Phil opened his eyes, which he hadn't noticed he had closed again, enough to see his very worried friend walking towards him.

Phil sat up and held his arms out for a hug. He didn't care how pathetic or needy it came across, he just needed a hug. And Dan was his best friend, after all. Why the hell shouldn't get a hug when he can't stop bawling?

Dan sat down next to Phil and wrapped him in his warm arms. Phil immediately felt a little better, and soon he stopped sobbing. "Shh, Phil, it's okay. Whatever's wrong, it's going to be okay. I'm here for you," Dan whispered after Phil had settled down a bit. He still felt tears pouring down his face, but he had mostly regained control of his breathing.

"Thanks. I know Dan. I know."


	5. Such a Bad Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks to anyone whose leaving kudos on or continues to read this fic! And to the people who left comments, you are my favorite people, obviously! Have some waffles! So technically I've finished this fic, and it ended up nine chapters long(when my brain rebelled against me and refused to write the scene I wanted it to, so it ended up being extended), but I enjoy this every other day pattern. Maybe I'll switch to everyday? Anywho, without any further ado: Chapter 5!

Dan never asked Phil why he had been sobbing that day, and Phil was indescribably grateful.

For weeks after, Phil pleaded with Friend. Friend never once answered. Almost constantly, Phil was talking to Friend, begging for a response, failing to get one. Friend wouldn't talk to him. Phil felt so guilty. He was so sorry. He didn't mean to hurt Friend-all he had ever cared about was Friend's feelings. That's why he hadn't told him sooner. Phil couldn't decide if it would have been better if he had, or if Friend would have left just that much sooner.

Phil knew they weren't strictly friends anymore, but he didn't have anything else to call Friend. Yet he still made sure not to address him as Friend when he could hear him. This hurt Phil. All he wanted was for Friend to be his again.

/Please, just talk to me./

Nothing

/Come on, you haven't spoken in weeks./

Silence

/Please./

No response

/No matter what I do I can't get out of my head, and it feels so empty./

Emptiness

/You've been there for years. I can't.../

Void

/Fine. I can't do this anymore. Goodbye. I hope you're happy with your love./

Phil started crying again. It had been twenty-two days since Friend had left. He had counted. He had counted the minutes till they turned to hours, and the hours till they turned to days. He had counted the time since he had lost what meant most to him.

Despite the wetness of his face, the leaking of his tear ducts, for the first time in three weeks Phil's mind went blissfully blank. He wasn't thinking coherent thoughts. He wasn't talking to Friend. His mind was just blank. Sad, tired, and blank.

Phil felt himself falling asleep, and in that moment he didn't care if it was two pm. In that moment he was just completely exhausted, emotionally and physically(the physical aspect of talking to Friend, using the inexplicable telepathic link as excessively as Phil had been lately was quite grueling).

As he drifted off to a blissfully dreamless slumber, Phil felt the thought /I still love Friend/ echo numbly in his mind. He wasn't sure if Friend had heard it or not. He didn't particularly care.

* * * * *

Phil reckoned that since Friend was gone, he probably should've grown closer to Dan. He probably should've recuperated his efforts in YouTube, the book and tour, the radio show, and his now only best friendship. But of course he hadn't done that. Of course he had just let himself slip farther and farther into his head, trying desperately to cling onto Friend. Who could blame him? He loved Friend as much as one person could love another, and the absence of the voice inside his head, the comfort it brought him, hurt like hell.

Phil woke up with a mild headache, but he wasn't feeling quite as bad as he had for most of the past three weeks. Trying to at least pull himself out of his head, if not into the real world, Phil pulls over his laptop. He opens various social media sites, and finds a constant theme. Everyone is asking what's wrong. Everyone had noticed how sad Phil was in his liveshows, how uncharacteristically unenthusiastic he was on the radio show. Tumblr and Twitter and YouTube comments were all dripping with concern.

Though there was something that came as a bit of a shock to Phil. Despite the fact that there was definitely much more concern and curiosity geared towards his state of distress, many people had noticed Dan's as well. Apparently Dan looked tired, and wasn't as happy as usual. There was probably more sympathy for Phil only because he appeared more sad, while Dan appeared tired.

The more that he thought about it, Dan had looked tired lately. He didn't look all too happy. He seemed down. Phil may be lower, but he internally beat himself up for not seeing that Dan was less okay than normal.

/I'm so stupid/ Phil thought. /I am such a bad friend. I never notice when anything's wrong, I've been so damn selfish. No one wants to be my friend, and I don't blame them. What am I good for? I need so much more support than I can give sometimes. How had I not noticed?/

Phil felt fresh tears start to fall down his cheeks, but he barely registered the increasingly familiar feeling.

Dan didn't deserve to be stuck with him as a friend. Neither did Friend. No one deserved someone as awful as Phil.

But somehow Phil was still Dan's best friend. If he hadn't been there before, he would be now, Phil decided. He wiped his face off until the tears were gone and sniffled. There wasn't anything he could do about the dark circles under his eyes, but it wouldn't have made much of a difference. It was obvious to anyone who had seen him over the past few weeks that he had been crying. 

"Dan?" He weakly called as he gathered all his little energy and walked down the hall to the lounge.

He saw the brunette's head snap up and to look at him, surprised. While they had talked over the past few weeks, an inevitability of living together and working together, Phil had put little to no effort into initiating communication.

Dan brushed his fringe out of his eyes, and for the first time in twenty-two days Phil took a deep breath and met his gaze. Blue eyes locked with brown. "Yeah, Phil? Everything okay?" Dan asked, and they both ignored how silly that question was. It was obvious to anyone with eyes that Phil was far from okay.

He nearly laughed at the absurdity, but instead he just let himself genuinely smile for the first time in weeks. To Phil's sore face that had grown accustomed to frowning, it felt like the first time he had ever smiled. "No. But that's not why I'm here. Dan, are /you/ okay? I've been... I haven't been the best friend lately, I've been so selfish. So distant, so caught up in my own problems, I didn't even notice when you started to look less than happy. I... I hope you can forgive me."

Dan blinked, seemingly shocked at the question. He just sighed, and Dan actually did laugh. Though it wasn't a laugh filled with humor, the one Phil was used to hearing. It was tired. Phil scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion. "Dan?"

Dan looked at Phil like he had forgotten he was there. He put his laptop down next to him and held up his arms. "Come here, you big dork."

Phil sat down next to Dan on the sofa and accepted the hug. It was so warm, so comforting, and just what Phil needed. Phil felt guilty again, not wanting to accept any help, wanting to be a good friend and help Dan, but he figured pulling away would do more harm than good. And Phil wasn't sure he could move if he tried. It felt too good. There was so much love in the hug. Phil could feel how much Dan cared about him seeping through the layers of clothing. He felt luckier than ever to have a friend like Dan. Then Dan started whispering to him.

"Phil, I'm only worried about you. You've been so withdrawn. I can hear you crying all night. I know you haven't been sleeping as much as you should be. You're practically sleepwalking. The bags under your eyes are darker than my wardrobe," Dan mused. "Phil, you've been like this for weeks. You definitely shouldn't be worried about if /I/ am okay."

Phil sighed. "Dan. Oh Dan. I don't deserve you. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I worried you. I'm just... I'm just sorry."

Dan pulled away a bit, and he could practically see Dan's heart breaking through his expression. The amount of care on his face for his best friend unsurpassable, and Phil didn't even know how to react. It nearly broke /his/ heart. "Phil, never be sorry. What the hell are you even sorry for? You've done nothing wrong. I'm just..." Dan rolled his eyes and pulled Phil back into his warm embrace. "I'm just so worried about you. I love you, Phil."

Phil practically melted. "I love you too, Dan. You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I don't deserve it," Phil responded as he tried and failed to melt deeper into the younger boy's clothes.

Then he felt Dan stiffen. Phil stopped melting, realizing that was probably really weird.

"Phil... Phil, I've got something to tell you," Dan said quietly as he pulled back enough to look at Phil.

"Yeah, Dan?"

Dan inhaled deeply and exhaled. He closed his eyes. He reopened them and met Phil's gaze. Brown on blue. Blue on brown.

"Phil..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BUM BUM BUM  
> CLIFFHANGER


	6. No More Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten-day-versary of this fic! Hooray! (I know it's not /that/ exciting, I just want something to celebrate! So hooray!) How'd you like that cliffhanger, eh? What could possibly happen next? What did you think was going to happen in this chapter? How about what'll happen next? SUSPENSE(but not really cuz here it is)

"Phil..."

Phil had no idea what Dan was going to say. So Phil had no idea how he was going to react to whatever it was Dan said. Phil didn't break Dan's gaze. Dan didn't break Phil's gaze. They were still in a half-embrace. Staring. Looking. Seeing.

"Phil... Phil I love you. But not as a friend. I mean, as a friend, obviously. You're my best friend. But... Phil... I'm in love with you. I love you."

Phil could feel himself freeze. His brain practically boiled. Thoughts were spinning too fast, the movement making friction, the friction making heat, the heat burning everything down. Phil's mind was an inferno.

Phil hadn't known how he would react before, but it might've been a problem that after Dan said it he still didn't know how to. Instead he said the first thing that came to his head that wouldn't be him reacting. Phil decided to stall.

"But you always told me you liked girls."

Dan had broken the stare after he spoke, but Phil hadn't been able to move his eyes. Dan wasn't attempting to reestablish it, but instead looking just about anywhere but Phil's face.

"Well, that's because I always had. Until a few months ago. A few months ago... Well, I realized how much I liked you. And, well, it didn't matter that you're a guy. It doesn't. I love you, Phil."

Phil had used that time to process the new words, but also to realize how he felt. He loved Dan. He really did. As a friend. The strongest love a friendship can have, that's what Phil felt towards Dan. But he didn't love him romantically. Phil still loved Friend. If anything, the past few weeks had made him love Friend more. They say you don't know what you have till it's gone, and that had rung true for Phil. Phil missed Friend. Phil loved Friend.

But what would he say to Dan? Sexuality was the easiest excuse, but Dan knew Phil was gay. Practically everyone Phil had ever met knew that. Phil could say he was in love with someone else, but that would raise questions. Dan would ask who, and want to meet them, and if he was in love then why has Phil been utterly miserable for the past few weeks. He couldn't just say no, could he? No. Phil didn't want to just say no. That wasn't fair. He loved Dan. Whether it be platonically or romantically, it certainly wasn't okay to just reject him without a proper reason.

No, the only option Phil could see was the truth.

When he realized this, he could physically feel some sort of weight lifting off his shoulder, baggage he hadn't even known he was carrying fall to the ground. "Dan... Dan, I have something to tell you."

As soon as he started to speak all the reasons he hadn't told Dan before came into the light. Dan would think he was mental. Heck, he didn't even know he /wasn't/ mental. It was all faith. Which Dan wouldn't have-no, that Dan couldn't have. It was crazy, impossible, and he had no proof. It would sound like the stupidest lie to reject him with. But what else could he do? Phil had carried this secret for too long. And he wouldn't let it ruin his friendship with Dan. His best friendship. Very possibly now his only friendship.

"Yeah? And what's that Phil?"

It was Phil's turn to look away. He took a deep breath and pushed on. /Just like ripping off a band-aid. More speed, less pain. Don't stop or it'll hurt more./

"Well, Dan... I'm sorry, first of all. I definitely love you. Just not... Not in that way... I'm sorry, Dan."

Dan looked hurt, and Phil could see his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed down a wave of emotion.

"It's okay, Phil. But... Just... Can you tell me why, at least?" Dan looked like he was biting back tears, and it killed Phil, it ripped his heart to shreds. But he loved Friend with all his heart. And he loved Dan enough that he deserved an answer.

/Well, here goes nothing/ Phil thought. "Yeah... But Dan, it's going to sound completely mental. Just please... Please believe me when I say it's the truth. Because no matter how crazy it sounds, it is. The truth." Phil closed his eyes, as if bracing for impact, and for a moment the only sounds were the two boys' breathing and a distant siren. "Dan, I... I'm in love with someone else..."

Dan looked so sad. So so very sad. It made Phil sad. "Who?" Dan nearly squeaked out.

"Well, here's where the crazy part comes in... You see, Dan... Since I was in high school... There's been this voice. In my head. But it isn't my voice. It's another person. For some reason-and trust me, I don't know the reason-we can talk to each other with thoughts. We can't tell each other things like our names or where we live, but we talk a lot. We've been talking for years. He... He's been there for me for years, he was there when I was at the lowest point in my life. I was there for his. He-" Phil practically choked. "He's one of my best friends. You and him. And, well... Dan. Dan look at me."

Dan looked at Phil, and there was pain in his eyes. Also something new, something that looked nervous, anxious-almost scared.

"I'm completely, madly, utterly in love with him. I know it sounds completely insane, and hell, it probably is, but... Oh Dan. Please believe me. I've wanted to tell you. But... Oh Dan. I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry."

They looked at each other for a few moments more. A tear rolled down Dan's cheek. Dan stood up as more followed.

Crying, Dan ran to his room, and Phil let him. God, he was awful.

Phil tried to imagine what must be going through Dan's head. He came up with two options.

1) Dan was scared for his friend's sanity. He was worried. He was hating himself for falling love with a nut case. Overall just scared and confused, thinking his friend is mental.

2) Hurt. Just so hurt and exposed. There was something Phil wasn't telling him, and to reject him he came up with some crazy blatant lie. Phil was an awful person. Completely insensitive. Flat out rejected him. Didn't only not give a real reason, but made up something that was obviously a lie, and they both knew it.

Phil sat and cried, praying to every deity he could think of that it wasn't some cruel mixture of the two.

Phil felt so alone. He had fucked things up with Dan and Friend.

This time alone was alone. 

There was no together.


	7. Does That Mean You Love Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some things have changed, and now there are eight chapters in this fic, but just as much content! It just flowed better. Chapter eight is pretty long, so there's that. But that means we are almost at an end! Gasp!  
> I have a favor to ask.  
> Does anyone want to give me prompts or ideas or anything?  
> I've finished this and haven't gotten to write a ton as of late. So if anyone comments prompts or ideas, that would be fabulous, and I would probably write it!  
> But I still love any comments, even if they tell me I suck! I don't care! Comments rule!  
> Anywho...CHAPTER 7:

Phil sat on the sofa in a daze. Eventually he looked up from his spinning thoughts. About two hours had passed. It was ten pm. He had a headache. At some point he must've cried, because his face was wet and there was a leftover sniffle in his nose.

Phil wanted to go talk to Dan. Phil really really wanted to talk to Dan. Dan probably didn't want to talk to Phil. If Dan had wanted to talk to Phil, then he would've come out of his room. Or maybe he zoned out like Phil. Phil needed to talk to Dan. He couldn't just let this be. The longer he let it rest, the worse his chances got of ever fixing the situation.

So Phil dragged himself up off the sofa and down the hall. When faced with Dan's closed door, he almost lost his nerve. Almost turned around. Almost couldn't do it.

/He's probably asleep anyways/ Phil tried reasoning with himself. /He's on his bed and has been lying there for two hours. Of course he's asleep. I could use the extra time to think through what to do anyways. Sleep on it myself. This would definitely-/

Then Phil heard the sound of Dan softly crying, very much awake. His hand knocked on the door before he even knew what was happening.

He heard a pause in the crying.

"Dan?" Phil called, surprised at the evenness of his voice.

"Go away!" Dan said, so quietly Phil barely heard it.

Phil's heart broke a little bit, all the reasons he was sad coming back to him. The list was very different from what it was three hours ago, than it had been for nearly a month. "Please don't hate me, Dan!" Phil called frantically, suddenly very desperate to not lose everything that means anything to him.

A sigh came from in the room. Phil heard shuffling around and heavy, tired footsteps. The door opened, but Dan turned away before Phil could see his face. He went and reinserted himself in his nest of blankets, never once looking at Phil. Phil walked into the room and sat down on the bed, giving Dan as much space as possible.

"I don't hate you, Phil. I could never hate you. Were you not even paying attention?"

Phil breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Thank god. Oh my god, Dan, I am so sorry. So so sorry. I don't want to lose you. I can't express how guilty-"

"Shut up, Phil."

"Right."

"But that was really mean, Phil."

The tears flowed down Phil's face without permission. "Oh Dan... I-I..."

"Just, tell me one thing, Phil."

"What?"

"How...how did you know that?"

Phil felt his eyebrows scrunch together, confused. "What does that mean?"

"I mean... How could you possibly know that? And for the record, that's was a really shitty thing to do."

"About Friend?"

"Yeah."

"What do you mean how did I know? You mean... You don't think I'm crazy?"

"What? What are you talking about? How the hell did you find out about that?"

"What? Find out? I wasn't lying, Dan, it happened. It's true. Find out about what?"

Dan sat up and just looked at Phil. He looked pale, and Phil could see he was almost shaking. Phil was just very very confused. Then he heard it. Just a whisper. Barely even there.

/Ph-Phil...?/

Phil nearly jumped back a mile, and he actually fell off of the bed. He hit the floor with a thud, and he was sure there would be a bruise there in the morning. His eyes had widened impossibly, but upon impact they flew closed. Phil rubbed his tailbone. The carpet barely muffled the pain of falling, and he flopped down, accidentally hitting his head on the door. "Ouch!"

Dan nearly jumped off the bed after him, but stopped himself before he actually did.

/Oh my god, are you okay Phil?!?/

Phil rubbed his head and flopped on the carpet again, more successfully this time. "Can you talk out loud please Dan? It's just... Just a bit disorienting. I mean..."

"Yeah, sure. I get it. Just... Phil? /You're/ Friend?"

"I am. /You/ are, Dan?"

"Yes."

/Dan?/

Dan rolled his eyes. "I'm not even going to answer that. And what happened to out loud? You're right, it's weird."

"Sorry. You got to ask me, you know?"

"Fair enough."

"Little help over here?"

"Right." Dan got up carefully off the bed and walked over to where Phil was flayed out under the desk. He kneeled down next to his friend and held out a hand. Phil took it and pulled himself up, assisted by the younger male.

They both find there way over to the bed and sit on it, about a foot apart from each other.

"So..." Dan started. "Does that mean you love me then?"

Phil didn't answer at first. His head had barely registered what was happening. Though he knew what was happening, something just wouldn't click in his brain.

/I love you. I always have./

"Phil, what happened to out loud?"

"Huh?"

"You... You thought that. It wasn't out loud."

"Oh."

They sat there in silence for a few minutes. Then Dan got a bit bolder and erased the space between them, sitting as close to Phil as he could.

"Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll start then. I love you, Phil."

Dan grabbed Phil's hand.

Phil inhaled, but didn't respond.

"I love you, Phil."

Dan brought Phil's hand up to his lips and kissed each knuckle.

Phil looked Dan right in the eyes, but didn't respond. He shivered.

"I love you, Phil."

Dan grabbed Phil's other hand and kissed his forehead.

Phil closed his eyes.

"I love you, Phil."

Phil could hear Dan taking a deep breath, and could sense his his form moving closer. Dan pressed his lips against Phil's.

Phil felt his insides nearly burst. Fireworks went off somewhere. With his eyes closed, he really felt Friend kissing him. The one he fell in love with, who had been completely mental, was physical. His mouth was finally against Phil's.

Phil kissed him back with as much passion as he could muster, reveling of the way their mouths moved together.

They both got lost in each other.

Eventually they pulled away for air, Phil's eyes never having opened, and they still didn't.

/I love you, Dan/

"I love you, Phil."

Friend was Dan.

Dan was Friend.

But to Phil, something still seemed different about the two.

That night, Phil fell asleep in the arms of his best friend, and he found that he loved him even more when his eyes were closed.

/I love you, Friend/ Phil's mind echoed numbly as he drifted off to sleep.


	8. For Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hihihihihihi  
> Hi :)  
> So sorry my posting schedule has gotten a bit wonky, school's just starting up and I've been a bit busier than usual.  
> Thanks anyone who has read this whole thing and stuck by for the ending. I love you all! <3  
> Anyways, you may notice how last chapter I said there were eight chapters, and I now switched it to 9...well...  
> The other day I was bored and started an epilogue! Huzzah! I don't know when that'll be up, but for now: ENJOY THE FINAL PROPER CHAPTER

When Phil woke up he immediately he felt a warm presence behind him. His brain was mostly asleep despite him opening and rubbing his eyes.

He felt a pair of arms around him, and he didn't remember why, but it was warm and nice and he liked it. Phil didn't pull away.

The first thing he consciously realized was that he wasn't sad. He was happy. But he didn't remember why. Phil wasn't complaining, but he had just woken up miserable for so long it felt strange not to.

Dan sighed in his sleep next to Phil, and he remembered everything that had happened on the previous night.

Friend didn't love Phil.  
Dan loved Phil.  
Phil loved Friend.  
Dan was Friend.  
They had kissed.  
It was wonderful.

Phil smiled and was tempted to just let himself fall back asleep, but his arm was asleep, and it was uncomfortable. A car alarm sounded out on the street, and Phil finished waking up before he fell back asleep.

He sighed and tried to get up, but quickly found that he was pinned down by a sleeping Dan's arm. Phil tried shaking him a bit and saying, "Dan, get up," but Dan subconsciously pulled him in tighter when Phil tried to pull away.

Phil was too uncomfortable to find it cute at the moment, and he definitely wasn't awake enough to talk louder or struggle more.

/DAN, WAKE UP!/

Dan's eyes snapped open and he nearly shot up into a sitting position.

/Sorry, I didn't mean to shout. I just couldn't get you up./

/It's okay/ Dan thought to Phil. He would have spoken, but he was too busy getting his breath under control.

Phil stretched out and shook his arm, trying to get feeling to come back to it. Eventually he felt pins and needles, and yawned. When he was finished, he looked back over at Dan, who had gotten his breathing back to normal, his face now enveloped with the widest grin Phil had ever seen.

Phil yawned again.

"So, Phil..."

"Dan..."

"It seems as though we love each other, does it not?"

"It does."

"Remind me again how this hasn't come up sooner?"

Phil couldn't help but laugh just a little. He could practically see Dan's face brighten at the laugh that had eluded them for weeks. Phil decided it was better for everyone if they just tried to forget those three weeks. "Well..."

/Because I knew you would've thought I was crazy. I mean, who wouldn't? And that the you in my head would abandon me./

Dan's smile dropped. He pulled Phil into a warm, protective hug.

/I am so, so sorry for that. I was stupid. You know it just killed me to see you that miserable. And to know j caused that... Could you ever forgive me for putting you through that?/

Phil sighed. So much for just forgetting what had happened. /Well, since you apologized, and asked nicely, and you had to put up with my constant whining in your head for three weeks... Of course, Friend./

Dan smiled. "Please call me Dan."

"Right. Sorry. I'm just not used to it being... Well, you. In my head. You can't tell me you don't feel the same."

"Okay, fine. But can we at least start? Now that I know it's you... I want it to be you-not Friend."

That hurt Phil a little. /But I am Friend./

Dan sighed and smiled again. "I know, Phil. I know. And I love you." Dan pecked Phil's nose. "Now let's go get some breakfast."

Phil rolled his eyes at Dan, who seemed to be perpetually thinking about food, but smiled and followed him out into the kitchen nonetheless.

They each got a bowl of cereal(Phil sneaking an extra handful of Dan's when he turned around to get mugs for their coffee) and sat down to watch some TV. They put on a surprisingly intense baking competition, and sat very close to each other on the couch.

Neither of them were focussing very intently on the show, and as soon as they finished their cereal they put the bowls on the coffee table and snuggled up close. Phil didn't know what exactly they were-were they dating? They both were in love with the other, and they had kissed, but did that necessarily mean they were a couple? This has only happened the night before, after all-but he knew that Dan was warm and cozy, so why the hell shouldn't he cuddle him on the couch?

"You still haven't said it, you know."

Phil found himself snapped out of the sleep-like state he had fallen back into. "Hm?" He replied.

"I love you, Phil, and I know you love me. But you haven't said it yet."

"Have to."

"In our heads doesn't count."

"Why not?"

"Because... Because it's not you actually saying it. It's you thinking it. There's a difference between the thought existing and you admitting it to me."

"First of all, you know that's not true. We've learned to filter it so it's like talking. You don't hear every thought I have. And second, well... That's never made it less real before, has it?"

"Phil... This is different. I love you. You love me. Why can't you tell me that?"

Phil tried to will his mouth to say it. He really did. But he couldn't bring himself to. He knew why, but he knew Dan wouldn't like it. /I love you, Dan./

"Phil!"

"What?"

"That was not saying it! Why can't you say it?" Dan looked hurt. Phil was getting agitated. He wasn't the only bad guy here.

/Why haven't you thought it yet?/

/Huh?/

/You're so eager for me to say it, because you fell in love with the physical me. But what about me? I fell in love with the you in my head, and I don't hear him saying he loves me!/

"Phil, don't be ridiculous."

"How is it ridiculous? You want me to say it so bad? How about you think it! Shouldn't this go both ways?"

Dan just stared at Phil for the longest time. Phil could practically see the wheels in his head turning as he faced the same problem Phil had a minute ago.

"I love you, Phil," Dan broke the silence lamely.

/See! You can't think it as much as I can't say it! You aren't allowed to play victim here./

Dan sighed. "Fine. Fair enough." Dan pulled Phil tighter into an embrace and kissed the top of his head. "I really do love you, though."

/And I you. I really love you. I always have. I imagine I will for quite some time. And saying it in here in no way negates that fact./

They both smiled, but there was something uneasy about the quiet that ensued.

"So...what now?" Dan asked after a while. "What... What are we? What have we become?"

Phil thought for a minute. He loved Friend, and Friend was Dan, and Dan loved him, and...it somehow didn't work interchangeably? Just thinking about it too much made Phil's head hurt. Why couldn't he love Dan as Friend even if they were the same person? And why couldn't Dan love Phil as Friend? Ugh, why did they agree to call each other the same thing? It was making everything much more confusing to think through. /Because you liked him calling you his friend/ Phil reminded himself. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to relive those early memories of Friend. When they figured out they couldn't share their names. How names hadn't even crossed their minds over those first couple weeks. How the first thoughts that had ever broken through were Friend thinking about how worthless he was, how no one cared. Phil had memorized those conversations, but it made him so sad to realize it had been Dan thinking those thoughts. Dan was the one in that dark place. It must have shown.

"Phil? What's wrong? It isn't that bad, when you really think about it. I mean, we still love each other, even if it's in different way. We'll get through it, I know we will..." Dan trailed off awkwardly, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself than Phil.

Phil's face didn't change, but he waved Dan off. "No, it isn't that. It's just... When I first heard Friend, he was saying how worthless he was, how he didn't even deserve to live because no one else thought so, because no one else cared. I just... I just realized that that was you. Oh Dan..."

Dan had clenched his jaw, as if he was trying his hardest to support the dam that held back the river of memories, but a drop got through and rolled down his cheek. He stared off into the nothingness. Phil leant up and kissed Dan's cheek right where the tear was falling. Dan looked at him with love. "Guilty, I'm afraid... I don't know... I don't know what would've happened if Friend hadn't shown up. If you hadn't." Dan forced a weak smile. "But what about you? When Friend first started talking to me, I had hardly gotten out three sentences before he broke down and asked for someone to talk to because he was so alone. That was you, Phil. Oh my god..."

Phil felt his muscles tighten. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, shoving down all the feelings that have been absent from his life for so long. "Our lives were both pretty fucked up, huh?" Phil said with a sad smile. Before he reopened his eyes, he felt a pair of lips press against that sad smile, and he quickly, eagerly kissed them back. It felt so good. He was kissing Friend. The one who he had fantasized about even seeing, even knowing what he looked like, for years now. It felt so good. With his eyes closed, it was all Friend. Who was now physically with him, by some miraculous turn of events.

Eventually, they pulled away, but Phil didn't open his eyes. /I love you./

"I love you too."

He snuggled into Dan, and finally opened his eyes. He saw Dan staring into space, looking like he was concentrating very hard. After a minute or two, Dan burst out laughing, startling Phil.

"To think-after all this, I still can't say my name."

Phil joined in laughing. "To think-after all this, you're still trying."

/I thought it might help. Make it more real, or something. Connect the two people in your head./

Phil gave that some thought. "Well, we've both said we were Friend out loud, and that hasn't changed anything on either end."

"I suppose you're right. It's just frustrating. I've been trying for years, I've spent so many hours, and now I don't even need to anymore. But I still can't."

/Well, I know you're Dan. And I love you./

"And I love you." Dan paused. "Friend."

They smiled, and brown landed on blue. Blue locked on brown.

/That will have to do for now./

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey people! Please tell me what you thought of my fic with a comment! Even if a comment is just yelling at me about how awful this is, I would still really appreciate the feedback! Don't know when I'm adding the epilogue, but this is the OFFICIAL end of the story. There's just a bonus peek into the future ;)  
> Love you all, hope you enjoyed, and I hope to post more fics here in the future! Prompts are welcome and celebrated.  
> Bye bye!


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue! Thanks if anyone beared with me through like the week or two it's taken to finish this. School just started and I have been overwhelmed by the fight between the somehow now even stronger urge to be lazy and the need to do homework. But I finished this over the weekend and had to wait for feedback from my friend. But here is the epilogue! Yay!

Phil sat at his desk editing a new gaming video, some stupid handicap challenge that they had immediately regretted and he doubted they would ever stop. It was really funny though, and it's not like they had any dignity left to lose. The fans would love it.

The fans didn't know that Dan and Phil had gotten together. Not to say they didn't have any suspicions, but it's not like those didn't long precede them actually dating. Dan and Phil were an official couple, and had been for two months. They had told their friends after a few weeks, and everyone had been nothing but supportive.

Dan was nice enough to refrain from saying "I love you" too much around other people. They couldn't hear him say it back, and it would be awkward for Phil to just leave it there too many times. Dan said it occasionally, but after those times Phil just kissed him and told him he loved him in his head. In their heads. Dan knew it, Dan could hear it, that was all that mattered.

/Stopping by the store, we need any groceries?/

The connection had never gonna away, even after they discovered that they were both each other's Friend, and they both were so glad. After so many years, their heads would feel so empty without each other's voices, and Phil wouldn't be able to express his love properly to Dan. But now that they knew it was each other, the mundane things that they would usually text about didn't require the effort, they could talk long distance, and it was great. They hardly ever texted anymore, but sometimes they would just to make it seem more normal. They weren't ready to tell people about about their connection, and they didn't know if they ever would. They had decided to play the whole thing by ear.

/I think we need some cereal./

/Did you eat it all again in secret?/

/Maybe./

/You're such a dork./

/But I'm your dork./

Phil felt Dan smile. /Wouldn't have it any other way./

Phil smiled himself. /I love you, see you when you get home./

Phil focussed back on the computer, but before he was really out of his head Dan replied /I love you too./

Phil froze. He could tell Dan wasn't really paying attention anymore, that he had gone back to shopping, that he hadn't reacted strongly to the statement. But Phil had.

Dan had never been able to tell him that he loved him telepathically before. Just as Phil hadn't been able to say it out loud. Did he just...?

/Did I imagine that?/

He could practically feel Dan's brain go into overdrive as he reviewed the conversation.

/I love you, Phil./

/I love you so much, Dan! This is great!/

/I-I can say it.../ Dan said in disbelief. /I love you, Phil. I love you so much. I love you I love you I love you I-/

/Dan! I love you too, and I love that you can say it, but I'm going to get a headache soon./ Phil chuckled in awe and giddiness. 

/Sorry. But I do love you. And now I can tell you that./

/You could tell me before, Dan./

/Yes, but not in the way you could. Not in the way you needed me to. I am so happy. I love you so much./

/Hey, Dan?/

/Yeah?/

/I don't think we need cereal /that/ urgently, do you?/

/You know what, I think we can live without it for a little while./

/I think so too. Why don't you just come home?/

Dan smiled. /I thought you'd never ask./

/See you soon./

/I love you./

Phil went back to editing with a giant grin plastered on his face. Every once and a while the comfortable silence was punctuated with an /I love you/ from Dan. Each time, Phil repeated it back to him and his smile grew impossibly wider.

Eventually Phil heard the lock click on their door, and practically ran out of his room. By the time he rounded the final corner, Dan was just coming up the stairs.

They locked eyes for a moment, both stopping in their tracks-that oh-so-familiar blue on brown was like a drug. It was positively intoxicating. Phil ran up to his boyfriend and hugged him as tightly as he could.

"Whoa Phil, let's not throw ourselves down the stairs, yeah?" Dan said in a chastising tone. But they both knew it didn't mean much when he pulled Phil in even tighter than Phil had him and a dopey grin enveloped his features.

/I love you, Phil./

/I love you so much, Dan./

Phil felt lips passionately pressed against his own, and he didn't know who initiated the kiss, but he didn't care. His eyes closed and lips moved on lips. A mantra of /I love you/ was on repeat, and he didn't know who was responsible for that, but he guessed both. After they both needed air, they pulled away less than an inch. They practically breathed in each other's mouths, not wanting to pull away. Their faces remained aligned, and the embrace was renewed. The warmth it supplied made the butterflies in Phil's stomach go crazy. The civilization had broken down to chaos.

They stayed like that for who knows how long, the rest of the world seeming to have slipped from their awareness long ago. It was a timeless moment if Phil was ever going to experience one.

Eventually, Phil opened his eyes, craving that brown on blue. Something felt unfamiliar, but in the best way, the most exciting way, possible. This time, when Phil opened his eyes, it didn't feel different. It felt just the same, just as warm, just as content as with his eyes closed.

Friend was Dan. Dan was Friend.

Brown on blue.

/I love you, Phil./

Blue on brown.

"I love you too, Dan."

Dan's face lit up like the fairy lights on his head board. On the head board Phil had fell asleep next to for nearly two months. Their head board. But Dan's face, his smile, was hardly even comparable to the beauty of those lights that were theirs now. His smile in that moment was the definition of beauty, the definition of light itself. Phil was sure his smile was just as wide, but he hadn't known that brown could shine brighter than gold.

They kissed again, and Phil could only think /Half had done for now. This will do forever./

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over...  
> That's weird...  
> Hope you guys enjoyed this at least somewhat!  
> I am forever grateful to anyone who left kudos or bookmarked it and people who comment actually save a puppy in the fabled land of the sea otter(true story)  
> I accept prompts, on the off chance anyone wants to see me write anything else...  
> So yeah... You've all been absolutely lovely!  
> Bye!


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